How to Summon Jack Frost[]
I received a strange book in the mail today. It's called "How to Summon Jack Frost". I don't ever recall ordering this book. It must've got it by mistake or I ordered it drunk one night. But whatever, I want to try it because it says it can only work on a December Friday the 13th, which is today. I called up my buddy about the book and we decided to go out by cornfield in the country late at night. Jack Frost, consider yourself resurrected!
We pulled up by the cornfield where there was a big space of nothing but grass covered in 8 inches of snow. We opened the book to the first step: Build a snowman. We rolled our balls up and placed on top of each other. "Maybe we should use a corpse instead. Could you imagine getting resurrected in the body of a snowman? Something that's just gonna melt away?" My friend suggested. "Good point... But it'll be impossible to rob graves in this weather." I said. "Who said we had to get a body that way?" My friend shocking joked. I punched him in the shoulder and continued to follow the book.
"This book has like 80 pages but only 3 of them have text on them. Who wrote this piece of garbage?!" I exclaimed. "Oh well, who cares. Final step... 'Say the magic words.'" My friend said. Me and my friend both said a seance at the same time. It took us a few tries, but then something magical happened. Absolutely freaking nothing! I got mad and punched our Frosty snowman in the face. "Screw you Frosty! You're as good as dead!" I cried. "You said the words wrong, ya dork." My friend insulted. "I did not, jerk!" I snapped back. Then, the snowman moved.
Me and my friend looked in shock and glee at the snowman. It was coming to life! Then nothing. It stopped fiddling around. "It was probably just the stupid wind." I commented. "I'm getting the blow torch." My friend said as he walked to his truck. I had no idea be brought a blow torch. Suddenly everything went to hell when two hands like sticks popped out of the ground and started pulling on my friend's ankles. "AAAAGHH!" he wailed. I tried rushing over to help him but it was too late. In a blink of an eye he was drug underground. I went to the spot and saw a steep tunnel. That Frosty bastard!
I hopped in the back of my friend's truck and grabbed the blow torch. This means war! I approached the area where the snowman was at, looking for signs of anything. Then the snowman came to life for real. He had an sad look on his face and was moving twig arms around frantically. "Die Frosty!" I shouted as I jacked the frost with the torch. I watched as the flames of fire consumed Jack's snowman body... Which revealed a human inside. My friend was burning alive! I tried to save him by throwing snow balls at him but it was too late. He was dead.
I fell to my knees in defeat. You win, Jack. I can't do jack to bring him back. Just then my friend's corpse moved around and broke free from the snowman. "Thanks for resurrecting me, fool. I'm your best friend now! Hahha!" My friend who was now possessed by Jack Frost laughed.
The Shivering Skeleton[]
It was a dark and cold winter night. I was trying to sleep in my cottage, but the cold was too much. It was snowing outside and the temperature was -40 degrees. It was absolutely unbearable! The more time grew, the more I could feel my freezing numb body ready to give out. If I don't do something soon, my consciousness will cease to exist. So I'm going to do the only thing I can do.
I learned this technique from a dark sage up in the mountains many years ago. I pulled my arms inside my skin and slowly opened my mouth from the inside with my boney hands. I pulled back my head and skin and pushed my skull outward. I then proceeded to step out of my skin. I was free of the flesh, but I was now nothing but bones. I can't go on like this, obviously. I need a new body...
I aborted my cottage and out in the snowy cold I went. The dark night wasn't so dark, as it was brightly illuminated by a large full moon in the sky. I creeped around a home in the village, staring into the windows. I saw my victim... sleeping soundly in a snug, warm bed. This would be perfect for me. I slithered through the open window crack and made it inside. Brr! They should've closed their window all the way. I tip-toed my boney toes into their room... they were sleeping like an angel. I put my skeleton hands in their mouth and slowly pulled their head skin back. Their skeleton... also asleep. I pulled the skeleton out of the body and placed it on the floor. I put my feet in the gaping mouth and slid inside of the body like a slug. I adjusted the head skin, and wallah! My new body... so warm in this snugly bed. My bones no longer chilled, my skin more longer warmth.
I closed my eyes and allowed the comforting warmth of the bed consume me. As I was sleeping away the night, however, I heard a creep in the night. I opened my eyes to see that the skeleton I removed from this body was missing! I panicked, no longer tired. That's when my original body crawled into the room through the window. They took over my body! They ripped me out of the bed and pushed me outside. I tried to fight back, but once more the cold consumed me. They dragged me to a pond nearby and tossed me in it. It was the coldest thing of the night bar none. I climbed out of the skin, trying to break free from the cold waters. However, I could not swim! The cold waters turned my bones into frost, unable to move them. I eventually drowned to the bottom of the lake and turned into a block of ice.
I may be shivering in the winters, but by the summers I shall return to find a new host. Not for warmth, but for a body. However, since I cannot can't swim, I'll have to wait for my victim to take a plunge here, where I'll drag them under and take over them.
Framed Painting[]
"Baby, please! Not again!" I cried as my wife pushed me out the door. "I've had enough of you, Richard!" my wife barked before slamming the door shut. I tried to open it, but she locked it. I kicked the door and stormed off. It's almost Christmas, and she wants to do this? I get the holidays are tough, but really? Now I'm out here alone in the blistering cold night outside of our NYC apartment. I could see her in the upstairs window in our room. "Baby, please! It's cold outside!" I cried once more. She ignored me as she continued to dig through our dresser. I don't like where this is going.
Without saying a word, she opened up the window and tossed out all my clothes to the dirty cold ground. "So what, am I going to have to sleep out here?!" I shouted. She gave me the finger then slammed the window shut. Darn! I hate relationships. Hmm... Maybe she'll let me back in if I make it up to her somehow. A Christmas gift if you will... But where am I going to find a present for her? I only have one option. The dumpster. I stepped on top of some full trash bags and lifted myself into the dumpster. There's gotta be something in here she'll like... Oh, what's this? I lunged forward to pick up a large rectangular frame. I turned it around. It was a beautiful painting of a woman that looked just like my wife... Same hair, eyes, facial structure, etc. She's going to love it! I wonder why it was even thrown out?
I hopped out of the dumpster with the framed painting and called for her name. "What?" she angrily questioned as she lifted up the window. I pointed the painting up to her. "What is that??" she questioned in disgust. I lowered the painting. "It's you! Or, at least, it looks like you!" I explained. "You mean to tell me you painted that in less than 20 minutes? You're the least genuine person I've ever met, Richard. Get lost!" She scolded before slamming the window shut. In a fit of rage, I took the painting and snapped it half over my knees. I can do nothing right! Then I heard her let out a painful scream.
"Babe?! Are you okay?" I called out to the window. No response. I panicked. I rushed to the door trying my damnedest to open it. In a act of desperation I kicked in the door several times before it finally broke off the hinges. I sprinted up the stairs and into the hallway. There she was... laying on the floor with her spine snapped. Did me snapping the framed painting snap her too? Oh no... No... no no no no NO! I ju-- How th-- Wh-- WHAT?! I'm going to be framed for this, I know it. The cops will be here any minute! I need to get myself out of this... But how? Out of options, I grabbed a framed picture of me and snapped it half. But I was still alive. I know! I'll just paint a portrait of m-- "FREEZE!" a police officer pointing a gun at me demanded.
As the cops dragged me out of the apartment, I saw our neighbor painting something from her upstairs window. Mrs. Wilthirs never did get along with my wife... She gave me an evil grin as the police forced me in the car. I looked back to get a better look of the painting.
It was of me.
Offed With the Lights[]
Me and my annoying nephew were hanging up Christmas lights on my sister's house. We were on top of the roof dressed up as elves too because we lost a bet earlier in the week. "Stop playing with the lights, you're going to get shocked!" I demanded my nephew. He had Christmas lights wrapped around him. "No way! This is totally fun!" he said back. "Stop goofing around and let's get on with this!" I once again demanded. He stood up. "Sit down, you'll slip!" I kept demanding. "Plug it in! I'm going to look so lit! In fact, I'm going to post this to the 'Gram" he said while reaching for his phone in his elf pockets. "You're ticking me off. Enough is enough!" I sternly affirmed. That's when he started to tumble.
"WhOa, wHA-- AAA!" my nephew yelled as he slid down and off the roof. I quickly dove for the lights he was attached to and grabbed them, preventing him from falling to the ground. "Dammit! You ruined the lights." I cursed. I tugged on the string of lights to bring him up. It sounded like he was gasping. "Nephew?" I questioned. I let go of the lights. They didn't fall down all the way, which meant he was dangling from the side of the roof. I slid down and took a peak. He was dead.
He hung himself! Or did I cause it? I don't know! What am I going to do?! This is so stupid! A stupid way to go! "Uhh, George?" our elderly neighbor Brent next door said in concern. I looked at him with bulging eyes. "Uhh uhh, it-it-it's fake!" I lied. "I saw you two on the roof earlier, don't lie to me." he said. "I'll be back." he continued before going inside. When he comes back out I'll be the one pretending to be dead. I quickly tugged the lights back and held on to my nephew's corpse. I slid him up the roof and tossed him down the chimney (I'll get him out of the fireplace later). I wrapped the lights around me and slumped up against the chimney. I'll surprise Brent and say it was a prank and that there's nothing to worry about.
Minutes later he came back out. "George?" he called. "I called the authorities George, they'll be here any minute." he continued, My heart dropped. Brent then came into our yard and propped a ladder up beside the house. He climbed it and made it to the roof. "George...?" he questioned, looking at my 'dead' body. He walked over to me and poked me. "Boo!" I abruptly shouted. "Ahhh!" Brent exclaimed in fear before falling off the roof. Oh shoot! I tried reaching out to save him but I slipped and slid down the roof as well. The lights saved me from falling though off completely though.
I was dangling from the side of the roof with the lights wrapped around my neck, staring at Brent's body, which was impaled by the fence. Oxygen was escaping my lungs... And before my brain fully shut off, I realized something.
The fireplace was on.
The Fruit Cake People[]
Fruit cake is outlawed in our county. Why, I don't know. But you know human nature, they want what they can't have. My grandad is illegally growing fruit cake in his garden and were heading over there for Christmas dinner this year. Hopefully the authorities don't catch him, haha.
We arrived with eggnog and home-baked gingerbread men. We prepared everything in the kitchen and took a seat at the table. "Amen." we all said after thanking the Lord for a delicious meals. "Oh, one more thing!" Grandad announced as he went to the cabinet. We all got excited, because we knew what was coming. "Tada!" Grandpa exclaimed, holding the delicious-looking fruit cake. "You're the best, grandad. Thanks for not giving an eff less about the phony police." I said to my #1 grandad. "Thanks grandson. I agree, the law is unjust!" he proclaimed. We all instantly chowed down on the fruit cake. It tasted... interesting. It didn't live up to the hype, but I pretended it was good anyway.
20 minutes after we finished the fruit cake, we moved on to the other Christmas themed foods and got stuffed. "What's the point of Thanksgiving when you got Christmas?" my dad uncle said. He's right. "Hey sons... You might want to have a look in the mirror." my granddad said to us. He gave us a mirror, which revealed something horrible about ourselves. We had fruit cake spots all over are body! Our necks, faces, arms, you name it! "Oh my gosh!" grandmom shrieked. Is this why farm-made fruit cake is banned?? Just then, a knock at the door. From the window I saw eerie-looking figures in white hazmat suits.
"They're coming to take out guns!" my delirious grand uncle exclaimed. "No Ernie, they're coming to take away our fruit cake." my grumpy uncle said (I have a lot of uncles). "You can take away our food but you can't take away our freedom!" granddad exclaimed. At this point I was feeling sick. What was in that fruit cake?? The creepy hazmat people then let themselves into the house by unlocking the door with the key under the mat. They walked and took away the fruit cake. And by fruit cake, I mean us! We were placed in a white van that took us to the 'fruit cake gas chamber', which turns the infected fruit cake people back into fruit cake.
Life as a fruit cake probably won't even be that bad. You don't have to worry about people eating you either, because nobody eats fruit cake.
Claus Obsessed[]
I'm breaking into houses in the middle of the night dressed as Santa Claus. That way if a kid catches me, I cam just say I'm Santa and not get in trouble for it. Right? I was inspired to do these evil deeds after watching Home Alone. Hairy and Marv make robbing homes look so much fun!
I was at my final house for the night. The moron who lives here left their backdoor unlocked. I was grabbing expensive items and chucking them in my brown Santa sack, when I heard a noise come from upstairs. Someone's awake. Could be a kid, but I don't want to take any chances. I made my exist to the backdoor until I heard a voice speak from behind. "Santa?!?!" an excited boy exclaimed in disbelief. Except this "boy" sounded much older. Much much older. I turned around and discovered my worst fear... Not a child, but a manchild.
This guy was wearing Christmas pajamas, had short dark blonde hair, a 5 o' clock shadow, really thick glasses, and arms that were raised with palms clung together. "I can't believe it! Finally! I always believed you were real, even though people doubted me!" the manchild proclaimed. "Uh, cool. Look, I got to get go--" "Can I see your reindeer?!" the manchild excitedly asked. "I didn't bring any reindeer. Peace!" I said before jogging out the backdoor. I had to get away from that weirdo. I tossed the sack in the back pf my van and hopped in the front seat. As I was looking for the keys, the horrifying face of the manchild appeared on the driver's side window.
His face looked so eerie in the dark, staring at me with bugged-out eyes. I started the van and drove off immediately. I drove for some minutes on a lonely dark road with not many houses nearby. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw a white car following me. Ugh, get off my tail! The road then split into a two-lane road. The car was now right beside me. What does this jackass want?! I lowered down my window and cursed at them. My heart dropped when I saw who was in the driver seat. It was the manchild!
I floored it, going 80 in a 50. But he was still tailgating me. I can't let this creep find my pad. They're the type to once they see you they'll never stop bugging you. I can't live with this, especially with what I do for a living. So I did the only thing I could do. Up ahead was a pond on the side of the road. I'm going to crash in it. The van sunk into the water, making my view nothing but darkness. I lowered the windows, which flooded the inside with water. I swam out of the water and sat on top of the sinking van. I looked behind me and saw the white car had also crashed into the water. I was completely taken aback by this. This guy is nu-- AHH! I screamed when two hands reached out of the water and dragged me in. "Santa, Santa! I love you!" the psycho manchild exclaimed. I tried desperately to get out of the water, but he kept tugging down on me and I'm not the best swimmer. Eventually, I lost consciousness...
I woke up a week later in a nice snugly bed. "Santa, you're finally awake!" the manchild exclaimed. That's when I realized my arms and legs were missing.
Christmas Sweater Terror[]
I walked into the laundry mat, ready to do laundry of course. It was pretty packed in here, which isn't surprising, considering Christmas is tomorrow, so everyone's trying to get their last-minute laundry done -- including me. I looked for a place that didn't have people blocking every washer and dryer. A lot of them were already occupied. I walked to the back and saw a huge area where no one was at. That's odd, are these out of order or something? I inserted some quarters and nope -- they were in order. Odd. The only thing over here is a green ugly Christmas sweater. I always wanted one of these. I picked it up, smelt it, and looked around. The owner must've left it here. I took my shirt off and put on the sweater. It felt itchy, but I loved how it looked.
After I got done with laundry I headed to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. Man, why does the sweater feel so tight all of a sudden? I parked near a huge pile of snow and made my way into the mall. While I was walking around the clothing store, I noticed everyone kept staring at me. I even made eye contact with one of them but they still wouldn't take their eyes off me. What's up with people these days? I picked out some clothes and headed to check out. The cashier was also staring at me. "What's your problem?" I finally said. She pointed at my neck. I felt my neck and wanted to scream.
I... I couldn't feel the line of the Christmas sweater. It's like it morphed and became one with my skin! "Umm, I'll be back..." I awkwardly said before heading to the dressing room. I tried ripping the sweater off, but I couldn't. The more I tried, the worse it seemed to get. I looked at my arm and saw that the fabric of the sweater was embedded to my hand. I pulled on the sweater area and it hurt -- as if I was pulling on my own skin! I ran out of the dressing room and let out a horrible wail of sorrow. Out of desperation I grabbed a shirt off a shirt rack and put it on. Wearing it put me in horrible pain -- like I was getting shocked with electricity. I ripped the shirt off and panicked some more. Suddenly I felt hungry. I ran out of the store and darted to a food stand. I began violently eating the chicken like a dog. What's gotten into me?! Then the guards showed up. I hissed at them before they shot me in the stomach.
...I couldn't open my eyes, but I heard people in a room talking. They were saying that I was infected with a parasite that took the form of an ugly Christmas sweater. After that, I lost consciousness. Either because I died, or the parasite fully took over my brain...
Serial Warning[]
I was over at my friend's place for Christmas, sitting on his couch drinking hot chocolate while wearing a Santa hat. Yep, I'm enjoying the Christmas spirit! "Are you kidding me? Another serial warning?" my friend Jeremy scoffed looking at the TV. "Wait, what? That's like the second one this week!" my other friend Jaboris exclaimed. "A SERIAL WARNING FOR MYERS COUNTY IS IN EFFECT UNTIL 12 AM. LOCK ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS IMMEDIATELY." the voice on the TV eerily spoke, followed by loud beeps.
Jaboris looked out the windows and locked them. "I swear I see a dark figure standing in the street!" Jaboris proclaimed. "Lock the door! Lock the door!" Jeremy cried. "I'm sick of these wackos, why do they have to do this on Christmas?!" I commented in disgust. Then all the lights went out... except for the Christmas tree lights. "Let's hide in the kitchen!" Jeremy demanded. We all huddled in the kitchen under the table. "Should we get Johnson?" Jaboris asked, who was another one of our friends. He was upstairs in the bathroom. "Hey guys, why did the lights go out?" Johnson asked walking down the stairs. Then there was a knock at the door. We all jumped in shock. "I'll get!" Johnson said before unlocking the door and opening it. "AAHHHH!" screamed Johnson from the living room. We all got up from under the table and dashed into the living room. There was a masked man wearing red and black on top of Johnson on the floor strangling him!
Jaboris went for his Louisville slugger and Jeremy went to go open a tall present from under the Christmas tree, which was glowing blue lightsaber. They began striking the killer with their weapons, but it was too late. The killer pulled out a blade and dug it into Johnson's throat. The killer then pulled Johnson up from the floor and used him as a human shield, which made them accidentally bash his corpse in the head. The killer let go of Johnson and ripped the lightsaber out of Jeremy's hands. He then began having a fight to the death with Jaboris. They bumped their weapons against each other for a few seconds before the killer lunged the lightsaber forward with great force and stabbed Jaboris in the gut. "No! Not my lightsaber!" Jeremy cried. I was absolutely shocked by Jeremy's reaction. His friend died in front of him, and the only thing he cares about is his precious piece of plastic?
I picked up Jaboris's bat off the floor and bashed Jeremy in the face with it. "Die! You! Piece! Of! Garbage!" I cursed in terrible anger. The killer stopped what he was doing and watched me in awe. I beat Jeremy's face to a pulp on the floor to the point blood was pouring out. He's dead now. I then looked to the killer, out of breath and my heart racing. He dropped his blade and ran out of the house, fearing for his life.
I think I'll become a killer myself. Next serial warning tomorrow at 6.
The Night Santa Returned[]
I'm at the UN headquarters in a crowd of 100,000 people eagerly waiting to see the results of who's gonna become the next Santa Claus. In case you didn't know, four men were charged for murdering Santa last Christmas. Santa was dropping off his final present for the night, until the men appeared from the brush and began firing at Santa with loaded shotguns. Santa succumbed to his wounds and died later that night, with a funeral was held a few days later. It was horrible.
With Santa being dead and Christmas in the coming weeks, the world is in worry if there will even be a Christmas this year. So the United Nations have come together and created the Presidency of Christmas, with the first election as to who will hold the new title of Santa Claus. 16 candidates from around the world competed in the election. They legally changed their names to "Santa Claus" and gained weight in order to look like the fallen clause. However, only two candidates survived the slaughter, and one of them will be named the new Santa Claus tonight. There's a huge screen behind the two candidates that's keeping track of the votes live. I gotta say, both candidates look pretty convincing as Santa. I'd be happy if either one of them won!
"Ho ho ho!" a booming voice suddenly echoed from the entrance. Everyone in the crowd turned to look. Wait... is that Santa? The Santa what was shot and killed? The Santa rushed to the stage and picked up the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen I'm back! The spirit of Christmas brought me back to life!" the real Santa announced. I never mentioned this, but I have a special power. If I focus enough, I can see people's souls. The Santa that rushed to the stage has a golden soul, which is incredibly rare for me to see -- it usually means the person has a heart of gold. The candidates did not have the same colored soul. I... think it might actually be him!
Security then came to escort Santa from the vicinity. The crowd gasped and the two other Santas appeared confused. The final votes were hen displayed on the screen. "RED SANTA WINS AT 52% OF THE VOTE!" a voice announced from the speaker. The crowd stood up and cheered as confetti rained down everywhere. The real Santa broke free from the security and charged for the other Santa candidates. He grabbed a hold of the winning Santa's hand and held it tight. "Merry Christmas..." Santa whispered to the winning Santa. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The winning Santa's soul was exiting his body... the real Santa's too!
The winning Santa looked weak, while the real Santa had an evil smile on his face. Santa let go and the guards yanked him away. The winning Santa suddenly had a golden soul and the real Santa's was now different... That's when I realized the real Santa swapped his soul with the other Santa. That means the real Santa is now in the winning Santa's body now.
My gift is a curse.
Decoration Police: Christmas Takedown[]
Augh... what happened last night? The greatest Christmas party ever thrown, that's what! It was pure insanity. Ryan started guzzling a 40 while someone shoved a 10 ft. candy cane up his ass was some crazy stuff. And Josh wrapping himself up in Christmas lights and taking a piss on the neighbor's lawn followed by Kyle making piss covered snowballs and assaulting our neighbor Bob with them will be something I'll never forget.
As I was awakening from my drunken and potentially hungover slumber, I heard a knock at the door. Actually, that's what woke me up. It's 6 in the morning, who could it be? I swear if it's Bob, I'll piss on his leg on the spot. "Hi, we've received a complaint from a neighbor." a police officer standing outside my door said. Ugh, of course it was Bob! Boohoo, poor little Bobby had to call the police because we threw balls of piss at him. Grow up! "Look, I know what we did, I'm sorry." I said to the officer. "Well you don't seem very sorry about it, as they're still up!" the cop said. "Huh? What are you talking about?" I questioned. "The lights. The Christmas lights. It's past the 25th, you can't have them up." the officer baffling revealed. "Don't everyone else have their decorations still up?!" I asked. "Look around!" the officer said stepping back. I scanned my house around the neighboring houses and he was right -- no Christmas decorations in sight.
"I... Okay, I'll take them down later today. I'm going back in to get some re--" "You don't want to play this game, pal." the officer interrupted to threaten me. "You're not going to arrest me over Christmas lights. Buzz off." I scoffed at the officer before slamming the door in their face. The officer returned to their vehicle and I returned to my floor mattress. Stupid blue people. CRASH! I immediately jumped up to see several S.W.A.T members barging through the windows and invading my house. "Whoa whoa whoa, hey! STOP!" I demanded in confusion. The SWAT people grabbed my Christmas tree and dragged it outside. I looked at my front lawn and saw them cutting it up in a wood chipper. I rushed back to the living room -- the SWAT were destroying everything Christmas related in my home and tossing some of it in a bag. I felt so powerless to do anything since I'm just one drunk guy going against the SWAT team.
A powerful being from behind handcuffed me and led me to a police car. I was shoved in the back and called a "worthless criminal." What are they going to do, charge me with a felony? The car then drove off. I watched in horror as my house engulfed in flames and exploded a bit. That crushed me. But what ruined me even worse was the last thing I saw. Bob... looking back at me with a smile... while pissing on my lawn. I let out a scream, knowing my life was ruined over some multi-colored lights staying up a few hours past Christmas.
Respect Christmas and authority or perish.